nathan lyle

I Saw You not Noticing Me

July 11th, 1998

You're so God-damned beautiful
why did you have to show up and ruin my night?
I've been smothering my kamikaze emotions
just fine until now.
Almost a week now of beling alone,
for the first time in my over-rated life.
And even though I've felt the chaos underneath my control,
you and my lack of a chance
have pushed my head under the water.
How can anyone fucking do this?!
Sure I've called myself a loner before,
but when I was done pretending
I never had to listen to the blood pumping
through my ears in an empty apartment.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
I can't go back to a marriage she and I still want,
I can't stand my own company,
I can't fucking do this!
And the God-damned universe pretends to give me a choice.
Fuck the universe.
Like I can choose a damned thing.
I only want the impossible.
Every damned time.
I can't be alone.
I can't.